Personal Musings on Fulltrui
This morning I read a wonderful article over at Lairbhan.blogspot which was a great and thought provoking article on the concept of fulltrui in heathenry. A fulltrui is a god comparable to a patron deity. It is a god the individual feels particularly close to, and perhaps even dedicated to. The ins and outs of this relationship were described quite well by the author, so anyone interested in learning more about the practical nature of a fulltrui relationship should head over and give it a read.
It got me thinking about my own relationship to the Vanir gods, individually. As some of you may know I consider myself a Freyja's woman, though I have not formally dedicated myself to her as my fulltrui. It is something I have often considered, but never took the steps to make it a formal relationship. The main reason being my relationship to the god Freyr. It is strange, but on some level I always feel torn between the two.
The post also made me think about the types of relationships one can have with the gods. How does one choose the interaction type that would make for a good fulltrui-dedicant relationship? I have different relationships with the gods, each is as individual as any other friendship or relationship.
I call myself a Freyja's woman because it was her who first called me, her who changed my life, and her who in many ways awakened me to a whole new way of thinking and living at a point in time when I felt very betrayed by both humanity and divine. In so many ways the life I have now is a result of her presence and it is a blessed life compared to the past. In the beginning, Freyja was like an elder mother, guiding me and teaching me with blunt honesty and enabling me to recapture my own individual power. As I moved forward as a Vanatru and began really dedicating myself to the path, she became like a peer to me, but throughout all retained a distance from me, and still does. It is very much like pupil to teacher relationship that I have with her. I call myself a Freyja's woman simply because it is Freyja that guides me, teaches me, and her I try to emulate. I was in a place of utter darkness when Freyja came to me, and she was very much a golden beacon of light which guided me through the dark, the only visible light I had to follow.
As I came to know the Vanir, Freyr was one of the first I came into contact with. At first he was almost like a silent statue, very distant, simply an unspeaking observer. It took months of constant prodding to draw him to me, yet during one particular personal crisis he exerted a very protective force in my life which strengthened the relationship. As I became closer to Freyr, there was a bit of drawing away from Freyja, almost as if the feeling was that she had brought me to where I needed to be, and needed to move forth to call others as she called me. I still interact with her regularly, and offer to her, but my primary relationship now is with Freyr. It is a wholly different dynamic. I feel much closer to Freyr as a woman, and I often feel very protected and loved by the god, whereas with Freyja I feel more like a student, and a friend.
Within the past year, in my journeys and interactions with Freyr, I have felt as if he wishes to be my fulltrui, and perhaps more. He has asked me many times and sometimes becomes frustrated with me because I simply cannot make the choice. I feel reluctant to move forward, either to Freyja or Freyr, simply because I worry that my relationship with one might disappoint another. I wonder which path would be better for me to follow, and I don't have the answers. I wonder which dynamic would be more "right" for a fulltrui to dedicant relationship.
In all honesty I feel more comfortable with Freyr, and he has asked to be my fulltrui, whereas Freyja never has. It's not something I ever spoke about before in public, because in all honesty I always felt such relationships were sacred and should be private beyond rudimentary details, such as what I have provided here. It is unlikely I will speak of it again, but I wanted to share because the article was truly thought provoking and relevant to me. For several months I have focused on practical concerns in relation to my studies rather than these more personal ones. It reminded me that I need to make some sort of decision, be it one or the other, or none at all for the time being. Regardless, it reminded me that those personal relationships to the gods are what is most fulfilling about the heathen path, and also most important.
In Frith
Cena
It got me thinking about my own relationship to the Vanir gods, individually. As some of you may know I consider myself a Freyja's woman, though I have not formally dedicated myself to her as my fulltrui. It is something I have often considered, but never took the steps to make it a formal relationship. The main reason being my relationship to the god Freyr. It is strange, but on some level I always feel torn between the two.
The post also made me think about the types of relationships one can have with the gods. How does one choose the interaction type that would make for a good fulltrui-dedicant relationship? I have different relationships with the gods, each is as individual as any other friendship or relationship.
I call myself a Freyja's woman because it was her who first called me, her who changed my life, and her who in many ways awakened me to a whole new way of thinking and living at a point in time when I felt very betrayed by both humanity and divine. In so many ways the life I have now is a result of her presence and it is a blessed life compared to the past. In the beginning, Freyja was like an elder mother, guiding me and teaching me with blunt honesty and enabling me to recapture my own individual power. As I moved forward as a Vanatru and began really dedicating myself to the path, she became like a peer to me, but throughout all retained a distance from me, and still does. It is very much like pupil to teacher relationship that I have with her. I call myself a Freyja's woman simply because it is Freyja that guides me, teaches me, and her I try to emulate. I was in a place of utter darkness when Freyja came to me, and she was very much a golden beacon of light which guided me through the dark, the only visible light I had to follow.
As I came to know the Vanir, Freyr was one of the first I came into contact with. At first he was almost like a silent statue, very distant, simply an unspeaking observer. It took months of constant prodding to draw him to me, yet during one particular personal crisis he exerted a very protective force in my life which strengthened the relationship. As I became closer to Freyr, there was a bit of drawing away from Freyja, almost as if the feeling was that she had brought me to where I needed to be, and needed to move forth to call others as she called me. I still interact with her regularly, and offer to her, but my primary relationship now is with Freyr. It is a wholly different dynamic. I feel much closer to Freyr as a woman, and I often feel very protected and loved by the god, whereas with Freyja I feel more like a student, and a friend.
Within the past year, in my journeys and interactions with Freyr, I have felt as if he wishes to be my fulltrui, and perhaps more. He has asked me many times and sometimes becomes frustrated with me because I simply cannot make the choice. I feel reluctant to move forward, either to Freyja or Freyr, simply because I worry that my relationship with one might disappoint another. I wonder which path would be better for me to follow, and I don't have the answers. I wonder which dynamic would be more "right" for a fulltrui to dedicant relationship.
In all honesty I feel more comfortable with Freyr, and he has asked to be my fulltrui, whereas Freyja never has. It's not something I ever spoke about before in public, because in all honesty I always felt such relationships were sacred and should be private beyond rudimentary details, such as what I have provided here. It is unlikely I will speak of it again, but I wanted to share because the article was truly thought provoking and relevant to me. For several months I have focused on practical concerns in relation to my studies rather than these more personal ones. It reminded me that I need to make some sort of decision, be it one or the other, or none at all for the time being. Regardless, it reminded me that those personal relationships to the gods are what is most fulfilling about the heathen path, and also most important.
In Frith
Cena
Here's to hoping you've chosen Freyr then. It seems your heart knows who to choose.
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