Limiting Beliefs: Letting Go for Life, Love, and Learning

I had forgotten exactly which letter we were on this week for the Pagan Blog Project, so I scurried over to the Facebook group to find out. I saw that the letter L was this week's post, and the term limiting beliefs popped into my head right off the bat. The presence of limiting beliefs is something we all face at some point in our lives, in pretty much every aspect of them. Mine is no different, in fact I have struggled with many of these in my public and personal life.

What is a limiting belief? In simplest terms, a limiting belief is a belief that serves as a filter for our behavior. Limiting beliefs are a part of human nature, and serve an important purpose in our survival. For example, as a child, we pick up a knife incorrectly, and are cut by a sharp blade. We see that it has an negative effect on our well being. We form the limiting belief that a knife can harm us if handled incorrectly, and this in turn leads us to change our behavior so that we do not make the mistake again, and thereby avoid physical harm. This is positive limiting beliefs, and often ensure our very survival.

However just as often as not, we form beliefs which are more harm than good as we grow and learn. These become especially tough when we discover our limiting beliefs are having a negative impact on how we relate to others, and how we develop mentally. Here is a personal example.

When I met Mr. Od, I had been alone for sometime, after breaking free of an emotionally abusive relationship which had lasted for the majority of my twenties. As a single mother, I will be the first to admit that I was very bitter about men in general, yet I did not realize this consciously. When I met Mr. Od, I was shocked by his gentleness, compassion, and manners. The instant connection I had with him was more intense than anything I had experienced. It should have been a time of joy in my life, and it truly was in many ways. But I also found during our first year together that despite the happiness I felt, I was also constantly troubled. As much as I wanted to feel comfortable with love, I was not.

I was over the moon when he was around, but as soon as I was left alone my mind would begin trying to convince me that it was all "too good to be true." I was constantly analyzing every action, every word, which came from his mouth, searching for the hint of a lie, or deception. I did everything I could to convince myself that he was "just like the rest of them." We argued over trivial things, but always worked it out quickly. Each time I brought suspicions to light, I ended up feeling like a fool when I realized I had made gross assumptions about nearly every situation.

"Guarded Heart" by YP Chan

This all came to a head one night about a year in when we were arguing. Mr. Od simply said I needed to stop "coloring him with the same brush" as the individuals I had had relationships with before. I was puzzled by this because I still was deluding myself about why I couldn't feel comfortable. But that simple phrase contained the last piece of the puzzle.

It made me realize that the negative relationship I had come from before had created a limiting belief about men in general. I realized that despite the fact it had been one or two individuals who had treated me badly, I  had formed an inner belief that their actions were representational for those of an entire gender. I was uncomfortable not with Mr. Od, I was uncomfortable because I could not reconcile my new relationship with the limiting beliefs I had formed. But once I realized this, everything changed drastically.

Of course I still struggled for a time with the remnants of learned behavior from this belief, but mentally and emotionally just the realization was healing almost instantly. I was able to feel comfortable, not to mention grateful for the the gift I had been given in this man. I was able to focus on how he was different, and unique, rather than constantly attempting to fit him into a preconceived mold of what he was. Instead of doubt, I was able to feel wonder, and awe again.

Limiting beliefs are something that we all face spiritually as well, and when we learn. As I have stated previously, I value things such as comparative mythology, and cultural studies when it comes to understanding and relating to the heathen gods. Yet we all at some point or another in interacting with other heathens and pagans come up against a wall created by the conflict of belief. Whether this is practical or esoteric makes no difference. But examining the limiting beliefs of others, and ourselves, is something I find very valuable.

Dualism, artist unknown

Limiting beliefs are often times the hallmark of any extreme form of faith. Be that extreme reconstructionism or extreme eclecticism. Both possess an assumptive limiting belief that one of two dualistic views are preferable to the other. It is fairly easy for us to see the negative impacts of any extreme perspective. But what   do we do when conflict is in the middle ground. Perhaps we argue on a small tidbit of information, such as the nature of a particular god or goddess. We find someone makes an association with a god that we are uncomfortable with. We can be drawn to judgement, but in all honesty these conflicts can be valuable learning experiences. They are opportunities for us to examine the beliefs of others as well as our own, and enable us to discover the limiting beliefs we may possess without realization.

SO the next time you experience such a conflict of faith, it can be helpful to remove yourself emotionally until you as yourself several questions.

• What emotional attachment do I have to this topic? Why do I feel negatively about the opinion of another?
• Where does this attachment come from? What do I believe that conflicts with the alternate opinion? How does my conclusion differ from theirs?
• What do I truly believe about this matter? What are my exact beliefs?
• How did I come to possess this belief? Is it opinion only? Is it based on outside knowledge? Did I learn this from another person? Did I read this somewhere? Where is the source?
• How reliable was the source which informed my belief? Is it documented, is it based on factual information or UPG? Is my source influenced by negative emotional experiences or assumptions?
• Is it possible that the other person's position is valid? Where is the source of their belief? Are there circumstances which would make their belief logically plausible? What information could cause them to draw an alternate conclusion from my own?
• What limiting beliefs may be informing my opinion? What limiting beliefs may be informing theirs?
• What does my emotional response imply about my belief? What does their response imply about theirs?

Such introspection is helpful not only for discovering our limiting beliefs, but also helps to diffuse tension from a situation. An examination of the beliefs gives us a chance to remove our self from emotion and shift into a more objective view of the conflict. By examining the possible experiences and beliefs which inform another's opinions, it also enables us to act more compassionately, and be understanding rather than judgmental. 

Debate without Understanding

Of course, it serves no purpose to beat ourselves up when we fail miserably at objectivity, and our limiting beliefs lead to emotional outburst and create drama. The best we can do then is apologize for our own actions and resolve to try and be better at objective questioning in the future. No one can control their emotions 100% of the time. I personally fail miserably about 50% of the time. The important part of this process is an evolution which happens over our lifetime, both mentally and spiritually. 

Limiting beliefs in ourselves and others may cause a lot of conflict, but such conflicts are often the times when we acquire the greatest wisdom. 

In Frith

Cena