Meeting Freyja

I spent the majority of my life trying to find my path. I was born into a Christian household, and until about two years ago I would have called myself a Christian, though in truth I felt lost. I was a Christian because that was the norm, what was generally accepted.
That being said I was never truly a Christian in the reaches of myself. Yes, I tried to believe in God and Jesus. But the more educated I became the more falsehood I found with the dogma and principles. That part of me that was always, even as a child, so deeply connected to the earth and the wights of all things, called constantly to me. I ignored it to the detriment of my own identity.
I was in constant conflict spiritually, and this reflected in every facet of my life. I had dabbled in Wicca and a bit of paganism, and had read the cards since I was twelve. But each time I got involved in these things more deeply, I would eventually become afraid of being punished by the Christian God. So I buried my desires for a magical life, and shut my ears to the call of the spirits around me.
When I gave birth to my daughter, my entire sense of myself and the world changed. I often compare the experience to the journey to death that a shaman must survive before truly becoming awakened to the spirit world. I saw the face of death in her birth, and knew the joy of nothingness. And in those weary moments waking from the anesthesia, and first gazing upon my daughters face, I experienced happiness for what I shockingly realized the first time in my 26 years.
In short, I realized a depth of feeling within myself that had gone untouched, and now that I had seen it, I could not return to that state of ignorance I knew before. In those first few months of her life, everything in mine changed. I ended an eleven year relationship that was emotionally false. I dedicated my life to beginning anew. I vowed to myself that never again would I live a lie, or settle for anything other than what fulfilled me. I simply could not bear to set an example of female weakness for my daughter, even if this meant a life outcast and alone.
I no longer pushed away the spirits and the call of the earth, I welcomed them. Eventually I had the courage to cast off the Christian label, and began dealing with the irrational fears that had chained me to it for so many years. It took over a year. But after that year, I began to feel as if my spiritual life was finally beginning to bloom, and all those past scars beginning to heal.
It was at this point that I first laid eyes upon the Goddess Freyja, who up until that time I had never heard of. It is perhaps one of the best known modern representations of her, an image by Lisa Iris included in the beginning of this post.
When I saw this image, I felt as if Freyja was staring straight into my own soul. The simplest way to describe it was a resounding familiarity. In this fierce image of Freyja, I finally saw a true representation of myself as a female. Bold, Fierce,Intelligent, and Sensual. Powerful.
I began to study her lore in earnest, and with each step, each bit of knowledge gained, I felt closer to her than any deity before. I started a discussion group about her on a pagan forum I belonged to. I met many friends who were more than willing to share their own experiences and information with this wonderful goddess.
It has been well over a year since I began a life of my own interpretation of the Vanatru path. And now, I can honestly say, meeting Freyja was perhaps the most important turning point in my nearly thirty years.
In this blog, it is my desire to share my experience, practices, and thoughts about living a life true to Freyja and the Vanir. I hope you all enjoy! Love and Light!